So the first question is whether or not I’ve ever lied. Of course I have. I do not think there is a person on earth who has not lied. Even if you have never, ever lied since you were able to understand the concept of lying (yeah, right), you probably lied before you were old enough to understand. I don’t see this quiz quibbling over whether or not you understood the concept when you committed the crime, so you’re a liar. After you answer the 3rd question you can be fairly sure that the purpose of this quiz is to take the harshest position possible so you might as well accuse a 3 year old of being a liar. So, yes, I’ve lied. I will more than likely continue lying throughout my life because there are simply times when telling the truth is not a good idea.
According to the 2nd question, I’m a thief. Yes, I have taken things which were not mine. It’s pretty hard not to. Really, is there anything on this planet that can truly belong to me? Although, if I follow that logic, then nothing belongs to anybody else either, in which case I cannot take something from somebody else. Even though I can take something that doesn’t belong to me. Even if I use the more traditional logic, if I use a pen to sign a credit card slip and then accidentally forget to give it back, I have stolen. Hardly a hardened criminal, but I guess your God has high standards.
Question 3 deals with a basic aspect of being human: sexual interest. Of course, the test calls this lust. Because sexual interest is just human and lust is just evil. Have I ever, in my entire 26 years of existence, had sexual interest in another person. Any other person. The test doesn’t ask whether the person I’m lusting is my spouse. Heck, the test doesn’t even ask if I’m married. Simply have I ever lusted after another person. Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course I’ve lusted after another person. Are you seriously asking if I survived the hormones of maturing and didn’t experience them? Are you seriously asking if I ever actually was alive? Because you’d have to be dead to not experience lust for another person. And I can only imagine how the test would judge you if your only experience with lust was for yourself. I get the impression that wouldn’t help my image. Now according to the test, I’m an adulterer. Nevermind the fact that I’m not married. I’m an adulterer. Now, I hate to be blunt with you, but if this stupid test is going to accuse me of being an adulterer for simply having a sexual interest in a person you can bet I’m going to go right ahead and act on those thoughts. If I’m going to be slammed with the full judgement, then I’m going to deserve the full judgement.
Question 5 equates anger with murder. Oddly enough, the title of this question is hate. Not anger, hate. The biblical quote discusses anger, the question asks about anger, but it is titled hate. Is someone confused? Someone must be. To equate anger with an act of murder is absolutely absurd. Can you just see some perfectly calm mother telling her irate 4 year old, “sweety, you really shouldn’t get angry at me for asking you to pick up your toys. Don’t you know that if you get angry with me you’re murdering me? You don’t want to murder mommy, do you?” I can also just imagine the mental issues that kid would have as an adult. Can you see him on the shrink’s couch, “I killed my mother. Over and over and over again. I killed her. Why? Why did I do that? I was such a horrible child. I am such a horrible person. I don’t deserve to live; I killed my mother.” Even better, that grown up child walks into confession and says, “This weekend I killed my mother and younger brother. And then I went down to the gas station and ended up killing the cashier.” I wonder if they coach priests on what to say to that kind of confession.
According to Question 6 I’m a blasphemer. If you think this test is the first time I’ve ever been labeled a blasphemer then you’re clueless. That is a foregone conclusion. And it is hardly offensive, despite the cartoon picture of a royally pissed off dude. As if this question is the most offensive thing you’ve suggested so far.
Now the questions are just dumb. Number 7: have I taken God’s name in vain? Yup. But, I’ll be perfectly honest I’ve been trying much much harder not to do so. Frankly, it feels kind of stupid to use God’s name in vain when I don’t even believe in God. I’m trying to stop. I’m doing pretty well.
Now the little quiz is giving me a lesson in logic (really, who needs the lesson here?), trying to help me see that according to the quotes this test has used I am a lying, thieving, lusting, murdering, bad person. Not only that, but now the test wants me to admit my guilt. I have to actually click the little words that say, “I’m guilty.” If I try to get out of it by clicking on the “not guilty” link, I get a bunch of fun bible quotes telling me that everybody is guilty. That’s all, pure and simply everybody is guilty. Then why did you make me answer all these stupid questions if you already know I am?
Finally, I get to decide whether I’m going to heaven or hell. I get another fun bible quote to help me make that decision. This fun bible quote tells me all murderers, thieves, liars, and adulterers go to hell. So, do I think I’m going to hell or not? I seem to remember this nifty “out” for the whole hell thing if I confess my sins, or accept Jesus into my life, or some other stupidity. But, that’s not mentioned here, so I guess I can only conclude that I’m going to hell. If I think I’m going to heaven based on those other things I’ve been told about heaven and hell, then I get more bible quotes about how I can’t be exempt from judgement because God can’t allow such horrible people into heaven. When I still maintain I’m going to heaven, I get yet another fun bible quote (you know, these quotes really aren’t much fun anymore) equating me with a rapist. Awesome, now I’m a rapist. If this little test is supposed to be helping me think more of God, it’s not really helping.
Oh, here we go, if I just admit that I’m going to hell I get the fun hope message. God is hope, and even though I’m totally guilty and deserve to go to jail I don’t have to. So, after just telling me that any human judge who let a guilty rapist go free would be a corrupt judge, and that God cannot be a corrupt judge and thus can only let me go to hell, now I’m supposed to believe that God actually would let me “go free” to heaven? Seriously? What happened to little lesson in logic, because this does not follow any logic I know.
And, finally, a lesson in the gospels where Jesus is equated with a parachute. I’m supposed to trust Jesus the way I would trust a parachute. Except, I could inspect that parachute and make sure there aren’t any holes or tears or weak fibers. I could make sure it was packed in a way that allows it to properly expand as it is supposed to. I can’t inspect Jesus like that; kinda makes it hard for me to trust him. Besides, I don’t really feel comfortable forcing God to be that “corrupt judge allowing the guilty rapist to go free” just for little ol’ me. Especially considering how guilty I am. Furthermore, I’m more than a little offended myself that simply being human (lust and anger) are enough to sentence me to hell. Lying, stealing, and blaspheming I can understand. Ok, no I can’t fully understand, but at least they make more sense than the lust and anger.
Oh, and even if I admit right from the beginning that I know I’m not a good person, the test still insists that I continue so that I can find out why I’m not a good person. You know, I’m beginning to get the distinct impression that those who hold these beliefs are either sadists, masochists, or both. They obviously enjoy pain: giving it, causing it, receiving it. Pain, pain, pain. It’s all about pain.